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This week, Rachel advises a man whose wife seeks to rekindle their sexual relationship – despite spurning him for decades
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My wife has withheld sex from me for 27 years. After a few years of being punched and kicked trying to initiate sex, I gave up and found relief outside my marriage with a string of mistresses. Now that she is about to retire, she announced that we should begin having sex again. As much as I admit that it could be good for our marriage, it’s been way too long and so I have no desire to have sex with her.
Actually I’m a bit p—ed off that she’d have the nerve to ask. I told her this but she just shrugged it off. The other night, she tried to initiate sex, but since I have erectile dysfunction (ED), nothing happened, and I felt relieved!
For the last 27 years, we’ve lived as companions, and I have made peace with that, honouring her desire not to be physical with me. But now, she seems unhappy that we are not having sex. Any advice?
– Anonymous
Quite a lot going on here, or should I say, not going on. Let’s address the times past before we get to the present. You report that your wife would assault you if you tried to initiate sex, which seems to me to be an unhelpful way of signalling her lack of desire to accommodate you, like something out of a David Attenborough documentary.
“The female, not being in oestrus, shows her reluctance by striking the male with her paws/hooves/head,” I can hear his voice-over whispering as he observes some mating pair in the wild. In fact, I was listening to Farming Today recently and they had an item on llamas, and how you know whether a female llama is pregnant or not.
If they are, and therefore in no need of any more physical attentions, then they spit viciously at the male if he tries to approach, drenching him in a putrid shower. It was so interesting I almost sent it in to Pick of the Week… but forgot.
It seems your wife is quite animalistic too, but not knowing her I can’t imagine why. Was she perhaps assaulted herself as a child? I can’t see why her reflex is quite so… punchy otherwise.
I imagine that the 27-year sex drought has been hurtful but as you say, you numbed the pain (or in your words, “found relief,” as if other women were some topical analgesic gel) with what you describe as a “string” of mistresses, which of course brings to mind expensive racehorses, and no doubt the other women had some impact on your bank balance as well as your libido.
As I’m learning my way around this subject, these are the questions that arise from your letter before I can even hope to answer them. Do you really never want to have sex again with her, or is this in retaliation for the three decades of sex starvation she imposed on you? Do you have ED just with her, or with all your partners? Is ED your excuse for not having sex with her, or is it lack of attraction, or both?
The shoe is on the other foot. You seem to be in the driving seat when it comes to your bedroom activities. She’s up for it and you’re not, in both senses. It was not much of an issue when it was her refusing to have sex, but she’s making a big deal of it now it’s you refusing to tango. Is your position final?
The first thing I would advise is to talk, preferably not when you’re both in a simmering fury with each other but at a lighter moment, if such a thing still exists in your lives. If you can’t talk, and you can’t have sex, and are staying together just for the companionship, don’t beat yourself up about it too much. Many others reading this will be in exactly the same boat. You are describing many a marriage.
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